Let The Flames Begin

Tags

image

People can be cruel, bad, harassing, laughing, playing practical jokes.
But what they don’t know that its all fun and games ’till someone gets Burned.

My name is Emily and this is my story

I would start from the beginning, but I don’t think you want to hear about my first “baby words” or see pictures of me in diapers… So let’s just fast-forward to junior year. This year started like the two before, lost. Even though I had already been in this school for the last two years.

Sitting at the far back side of the classroom, in the little dark corner. I made no sense to all the other people. A wierd, crazy, loser, emo, loner, little girl.
Soo many clicks in this school, and I don’t fit in with any of them. I have been the center of humiliation all of my “social life.” I was fine with it but, everyone has a limit I and I had reached mine

I was invited to a party. I should have been suspicious with that alone, but everyone wants to hope for the best. Invited by my life crush was good enough for me

I get there, everyone was oddly friendly. People who once called me four eyes, freak, loser, etc. Now called me by my name. People who once shoved me in the hallways, now made way for me to pass. People who throw food at me, now offered it to me.

Unknowingly, I walked into the worst day of my life, the day I would change forever. This was a completely different world. I could see it but, I was blinded by there acceptance

It all had to end. They lured me to the living room, I was wearing the most beautiful white dress. My hair was pulled up. I had never dressed this way. I felt special, different, “somebody.” I was in my own world I felt complete like I had never did before. All that complety changed.

A Sharp pain in my spine woke me from the wonderful world I had build in my mind. The sound of a huge tear, grabed my attention, a rough pull on my hair dropped me to the floor.”What is going on” I asked. All I heard was laughter, I could see all of them just standing all around me.”Did you really think you where our friend now?”

I tried to make sense of the voice but it was to confusing. I stood up but they kept pulling on my dress, ripping it all over. The voice came closer “you need to leave forever” I saw a dark blur coming into focus, it was him the “love of my life” the distrait feeling turned to anger.

“Worthless,” “stupid,” “loser,” “ignorant,” “ugly.” All of this echoed all around and that anger now turned into fury.

As they kept showing there hatred to me, I was in flames in my mind. Every word made my vains pop one by one. My eyes turned red my dress turned black. Another pain in my back made my fury burn hotter. One after another they take a stab at me.

But now I couldn’t feel anything. One hit and my mind burst, and made a lamp explode. Another hit and my mind made the window shatter. They stop in panic. They run to the door but I lock them. I couldn’t stop the fire I was starting, but like I said, this day was going to change my life change me … forever.

Now I control this party.

So…

“Let The Flames Begin.”

“Ever After”

Tags

image

Happily ever after … or so I thought

I remember long ago, before I had ever fallen in love with you it was so beautiful. Living out in the open land, free from all pressures.

On the top of this tower. There is a beautiful sight. you can see everything. The animals playing, and birds flying. Trees, flowers, nature at its best.

Stranded here all alone didn’t seem so bad, because I knew you would come. I would have waited for ever.

You turned my world into something complety different. In love with each other.  We were compatible in so many was. You mad me feel complete.

The amazing way we would get lost in time. Like every moment lasted forever. I would look in your eyes and I would see myself. The incredible fairy tale we had created. Nothing had ever felt as right.

Slowly things changed, he changed. The love I had made me change with him. Did anything to make him feel Okay. I would slowly give my all to make myself what he wanted me to be. If he needed something, or was looking for something he could just look at me. I would turn into what he was looking for.

I was the person you’ve always wanted see. I was the person who changed to your needs. Tried to show you how to love me with no masks, but made that mistake.
Wanted to believe
we would have a happy ending
Wanted to believe
That you would leave a little of me
If what you see is what you don’t need, stop looking for it in me. When you know its what I don’t have.

If what you see goes away with your loneliness. It will never come back”

The last time I looked in your eyes I saw a complete stranger. That’s when I realized that you let me change complety. Letting me give my all, with nothing in return. I ran away to find myself again forget you. I ran and ran and ran….

I found myself looking up at the tower that once upon a time… made me so happy. The sight was so different dark gloomy and different, just like I had changed

Making my way to the top I remembered who I was.
One I was at the top I saw everything so clear like never before. The once dark, gloomy, frightening view changed back to the peacefull, bright, lovely, serene, paradise.

I look all around and I see him standing there pleading me to come back

“What do I do”

“What would you do”

“When I needed you” With an image from Icy Sedgwick

Tags

image

There is always a reminder in my life of a person I don’t know, let alone even remember.

Holidays, walks in the park, party, and movies. Reminders, all reminders. An empty space left rot, a space that grows deeper by each reminder. A pain that you would think I’d be used to by now, but it only grows stronger. A strangers face lingers in the deepest, darkest corners of my memory

A scary yet familiar face. The image resurfaces every once in a while, in the most horrifying nightmare. That I don’t want to wake from. Along with the image of this face I also see this beautiful person.

Consuming my life, can’t sleep without dreaming that face. Can’t think without seeing that face can’t live my life, because of that constant reminder, of the missing “something” deep inside.

That “something” slowly turned into more, into half of me. The half of myself I couldn’t trust, express, understand, or explore. I couldn’t explore because the shadows overwhelmed me. Pushing me out. The more I try the harder it gets.

Two images is all I have left from this distant and dark memory. One of that face, and the other one that looked perfect. The beautiful boats different shapes and different colors. I would feel serene and peacefull. Like I was there before with the man in the first image. Like we could sit there forever.

Time past, but I couldn’t remember. All my life I had the feeling of loss. That I need something. Forgetting. All that changed when I had passed the same image in my thoughts that I had seen so long ago in my nightmares. It was surreal as all those dark shadows vanished, leaving the empty spaces filled with clarity. Answers that I had searched long before

Who is that man? Why do I feel empty? Where is that magnificent place? What am I forgetting? Who am I really? They all had one answer, Dad. It was a person so close to me half of who “I am” that made me feel this. Made me suffer alone. Leaving me with these unanswered questions.

Searching for answers. Wondering. I walk past this harbor, with a deja-vu feeling. I stoped thinking of so much. So I write this to you now hoping you would see, understand my feelings. Hoping one day you would give me answers, or at least one…..

“why did you leave me when I needed you the most”

http://bit.ly/dZjHlX

Hurt

Tags

image

Being the new kid is almost never good. Being the outsider looking in. New classes, new people, new everything.

Everything had been going wrong that day. First class I fall triped over a backpack, the embarrassment made me feel like my face was blood red just wanted to run away. As I made my way through the classroom, I imagined people talking about me. When I sat down I heard some one whisper to me. I tried to ignore it but got more and more annoying so I turned. This amazing girl was trying to catch my attention. So mesmerizing, as soon as I laid eyes on her couldn’t look away. nothing, nothing at all could distract me from this beauty. Perfect face, amazing eyes everything was going so slow. As she spoke with her silky voice made forget about all the horrible things that had happened to me

All week something had to go wrong at least once a day, but could always count on her to make my day so much better. She had that affect with everyone. Everyone was her friend and she will make you know it. It was an incredible feeling to be around her. She always sat at the same place at lunch surrounded by people, but she would go out her way to help you if you need it.  Always a ray of sunshine.

Everything was perfect for a couple months her and I were best friends, but it seems to be when everything is going perfectly right tragedy strikes.

Another normal day. I would always meet her at the same spot, she was nowhere to be found. I was concerned, but went to school in hope she was there. Half a had passed and no one had a clue to where she was. Everyone started to wonder where she was. I called her at home on her cell and I couldn’t get a hold of her. The next day I waited for her at the same spot we always got together. Waiting and waiting but she was nowhere to be found. I started to get more worried about her.she didn’t show up all week. I couldn’t understand why she would miss a hole week of school without notice. Everything changed with her gone. People where more bitter, angry, sad, wierd.

After a week of guessing, wondering, imagining what could have happened to her. She shows up, I could see her from a distance I was incredibly happy to see her. She was getting closer and closer, I had noticed something different about her. She would always walk up to me and give me a hug, but today was different. She walked faster than usual right passed me and not even a hello. I followed her trying to get some answers, but she would go faster and ignoring me. All day was very awkward everyone tried to talk to her but she would shove them away.

Weeks had passed and she was not the same happy young woman I had meet. She was a cold, frigid, depressed person. I could see bruises on her neck, because that all we could see. She would always wear dark baggy clothes. Always alone I had stopped feeling sorry for her. I knew I had to do something about it.

The next day I had to get through to her even if it killed me. I saw
Her coming out of a classroom and she saw me, so she went the other way. Knowing I was going to try to talk to her. I followed her, but she keeped running away I chased her until she reached her car, she had fallen and ripe her long sleeved shirt. I ran faster to help her when I seen scars fresh scares on her wrist. I grabed her arm and yelled “what the hell is wrong with you?” She looked at me and just stared.
We sat there looking at each other knowing I couldn’t rush her into telling me. After a long wait she started to cry all I could do was hold her. I felt her pain deep inside, wondering what or who could could be so horrible to make her feel like this.

“I’m sorry” she said to me and before I could answer she continued “I’m not the same anymore my life has been permanently marked. I was raped I was raped by my stepfather abused by my mother.I tried to commit suicide I can’t deal with all the pain they inflict on me.” “So why do you cut yourself are stupid” I blurted out without thinking…….. they way she answered me I will never forget “do you see these I did it, I cut myself. I feel the pain like I feel the pain they inflict on me, but the difference is that when I can’t deal with the pain from the cuts I can stop it but the pain they caused me will never stop hurting “

The meaning, Christmas

Tags

image

Christmas. A word everyone knows, yet not everyone celebrates it the same way. Most of us spend the precious moments with our family. Enjoying every second together. But as for Elizabeth well ….. that’s a different story.
Elizabeth was a very beautiful young woman, who loved all the material things. She had started this Christmas like the last few years full day at the spa…(phone rings) she ignores it. After the day at spa she goes shopping for last second gifts (phone rings again) she ignores it. Going thru the store she buys everything for herself, (phone rings yet again) that’s when she realizes she hadn’t got anything for her mother, father, or brother. So she picks up three $20 gift cards and she’s on her way home.
Since her home didn’t have a parking spot she would always use the one next-door , an orphanage with about eight kids. She would not even look at them, just so they won’t ask for even a second of her time. Yet there was a little girl beautiful humble child, that would catch her attention. She would just ignore her feelings and walk into her home as quickly as her feet could take her. 
when she walked into her empty yet beautiful home she felt sad, but shock it off. Happy with what she had gotten, she had forgotten all about her family and the little girl. Her selfishness had shelled her from all her sad feeling toward her family, but not completely. She still had an emptiness inside. Trying to replace it with material things. Sitting in her well decorated living room, sitting across her very expensive television on her luxurious sofa unsure of what she could do that night. She decided to go for a walk. She graded her coat and as she stepped out the door, the phone rang. She knew who it was, but decided to ignore it.
It was a very amazing night white snow all over, Christmas lights on everyone’s houses. Across the street she saw a family having dinner all together happy very happy. She felt the hole grow deeper and deeper. She kept walking  thinking about her own family. She kept walking and walking. She finally ended up in the same place she had started. In front of her house, she had no where to go. Walking up her stairway she heard something in the distance. She ignores it, keeps walking to her doorway she hers it again. It was a little girl crying, she decided to go see what had happen. The little girl sitting on the curve all alone crying.”What’s wrong” she asks, the little girl turns away.”What’s wrong” she insisted To the little girl, when she responded upset “WHY”. Unaware what she meant, she asked again “what’s wrong”. The little girl stood up quickly, looked at her strait into the eyes.”WHY you don’t even care so why are you pretending to care”. Elizabeth just stood there shocked at the truth. She tried to explain why she acted that way but not even she knew why. Her face fell to the floor just ashamed to how he made her feel. When she looked up to say something to the little girl she was gone.
The next day she woke up feeling like she had to do something to mend what had happened. She was thinking what she could do but nothing came to her mind. Heading out on her way to the store she saw the Director of the orphanage taking groceries inside, she ran up to her and helped her take them inside. When she would walk inside the small orphanage everyone cramped inside. She couldn’t help but to feel sorry for them as she compares her big home to this very small house.”How many kids live her” she asked the woman.”We had twelve at the beginning of the year but thankfully four of them were adopted” she answered “would you be joining us for dinner” she asked.”No sorry I can’t stay” she quickly answered.”Why not” she asked, but Elizabeth had nothing to answer because she didn’t have anywhere to go. After a few seconds she decided to stay under one condition that she would help make the food. Making her way further inside she notices all the old furniture, ripped mattresses, old worn out cloths. She felt the need to do something to help. They got to the kitchen and she saw nothing just an old stove and refrigerator, nothing else. The woman asked Elizabeth to get something from the refrigerator and there was nothing but a half gallon of milk and some old fruits. When the food was ready the woman called all of the kids to the dining room to eat. One by one they took there plate of food and expressed there gratitude. Elizabeth kept looking for the little girl, but she was nowhere to be found. She asked the woman about the little girl. The woman said “she is still upset”.”Why what happened” she asked. She really wanted a doll for Christmas but, we couldn’t get any toys for the kids this year. She sat at the table with the kids enjoying the rest of the evening. It was the most fun she had in a very long time. When she got home she didn’t feel the emptiness as much as before. She snuggled in her big bed thinking about all the fun she had and what she could do to help them more. As soon as she closed her eyes she smelled smoked but, she ignores it. The smell got stronger and stronger each second that passed. Then she heard screams and thought it was weird.

When all of a sudden the screams stopped. She looks out her window she sees huge red flames coming from the orphanage. She runs as fast as she could to see if she could do anything to help, calling 911 on the way. She keeps running closer when she sees the little girl covered in smoke saying to herself “its my fault, its my fault”.”Are you okay sweetie” she asked covering her with her coat.”its all my fault” she crys. The firefighters rushed into the house trying to save the people inside. After hours of excruciating wait they stop the fire. The firefighters walk up to Elizabeth and ask if the little girl in her arms was one of the orphans.”Yes she is scared you can’t take her she seems traumatized she has been though so much”she said.”she can stay for tonight but, social services will pick her up tomorrow morning” the fireman answered. Confused she asked “why would social services pick her up.” The fireman didn’t know how to break the news.”She is the only one who survived” he told her. She had a plain stare on her face she felt completely numb. She took her upstairs to her home and blamed herself saying to herself “if I would have just got up sooner” when the phone rings she let’s the machine get it “baby its you mother I’ve called you several times and you haven’t returned my phone calls I’m very worried please call.” “Ough I don’t have time for you now” she said aloud.”You should make time” the little girl whispered, “what did you say hun?” “All I wanted  was a doll its all my fault” she crys.”Don’t say that its not your fault”, she tells her.”how could it not be I was so selfish and that caused this I was mad at the world now all I want is my family but now I could never see them again, you should make time for your family.” Just like she had realized what the little girl was saying was true she felt her heart shatter how could an eight year girl understand what had happened and teach me how to deal with it. Don’t wait until to late to spend time with the ones you love. Live this moment we never knew what could happen.
Because the past is behind us, the future is unknown that’s why today is a “present”
Have you told your loved ones how much they mean to you?
Marry Christmas and Happy New years

Love or Obsession

Tags

image

Have you ever had a love that consumes you? I have. Love at first sight, its what it was, as our eyes locked for the first time. A rush of emotion. Took my breath away it all started with a phone call. Thinking nonstop, when will she call again. eager to hear her voice, touch her face be near her presence. Something that had never happened to me before.
As soon as I have had a taste I couldn’t, couldn’t have enough every second I didn’t have it was a painful eternity. I was a drunk looking for some booze , A heroin addict looking for a fix. Everywhere I look I would see her. Was it love? Could love do this to me? What could it be? …. it was her, she had me under her spell. Knowingly she had me hooked. Made me need her like nothing else mattered, not even the air I breath. Just like that she vanished leaving me with a hole inside I couldn’t fill. 
Lost . What could I do she left, and everything I had now known had left I run in hopes to find her I search high and low. nothing, nothing, paralyzed in the middle of the street. Unable to move. The moonlight shining on me as it starts to rain… I felt like
“Outside the rains pouring down, there’s not a drop that hits me. Scream out the sky but no sound, is leaving from within. It’s like I can’t even feel, after the way you touched me. I’m not awake, I’m not asleep after the way you loved me.”
I’m now a “sleepwalker” to love, to my thoughts, to life well whatever that this obsession had left me.

Loved

Tags

image

It was one of the nights, if not the night I will always remember.

The sun seemed to be setting slower than any other day before. The way the colors in the sunset slowly blended to the edge of the world was perfection, red, orange, and yellow one overlapping the other perfectly. A beautiful sight that couldn’t be better, but that wasn’t the thing that had caught my attention.

Something more amazing in every way possibble. A face of an angel and lips so delicate. The way he said my name made my heart skipped a beat, when he touched me I felt warmth through out all my body. When he held me it felt like we were two puzzle pieces fitting perfectly together, like we were meent for each other. Even though we had only just meet not even three hours ago. Before the sun will show its face again we will go our separate ways and never see one another ever again.

That was something we had both decided moments before. It was something we both wanted, something we both dreamed of, A passion so intense a love that could never be tainted. With him I felt safe sane confident loved in so many was, was I never even knew were even possible. That night so special that it lasted an eternity , but ended so abruptly. No words were needed to express how we felt for one another.

I felt the heat of the morning creeping up on me . Like a painful reminder of the reality I would  be going to wake to, a reality where the love of my life will be no more. The moment we were dreading had come, which meant it was the moment to part. I will always remember the last words he told me, echoing in the back of my head as he fades away to a place I could never find, a place where I could never find him.

(you are the only one) his word echo.

I walked the opposite direction. Every step I took felt heavier than the last. His words screaming in my head. I couldn’t help but feel like every step I took was wrong.

I stopped, wondering if he felt the same way I did, and if he did how would we be able to live our lives with this emptiness in our heart. I thought I could love with my heart, body, mind, and, soul and just walk away like nothing had happened. That was not how I was feeling. Terrified to think he had not felt the same was but, I had to go back. I had to know!

As I came closer to the place were we parted, many thoughts came to my head horrible thoughts like he left forever. I panicked at the thought of never seeing him again. I came closer to the tree where we had stayed. I looked all over and he was no where to be found. I felt so horrible, because I had a chance to tell him to stay and I didn’t. Disappointed at myself, beating myself for not doing anything.

“you are the one” I heard him from a close distance.

“I couldn’t leave without knowing if you felt the same ” I turned as soon as I heard his voice. I ran to him and never let him go again.

loved

Reflection

Tags

image

As I walk into this house, I feel anger and despair. Like a wave of emotions taking over me. I look at the door and a deep depression runs through me. A feeling so familiar, yet so powerful that it drops me to my knees.
Forced tears out of my eyes, and just when I felt I was about to burst from all the pain inside the sound of someone screaming deep in the hallway and shocked me and just like that, and just like that all of the painful emotions I felt just washed away. I tried to run away, but couldn’t seem to find the right door. When I open one door I feel scared, when I open another pain. I open another door and I feel plain a worthless nobody. The last door I opened lead me back to the same place I started. In front of the long dark and cold hallway. Wondering what why or who would could be doing this. When I hear the scream again. I try to run away but it seems to be that my feet have a mind of there own.
As I make my way through the hallway I feel something so familiar comfortable. But as I get closer that comfort turns into despair. I was scared, not at what was at the end but at myself. The closer I get the worse I feel dirty and defeated. I get to the end of the hallway I see a long dark curtain hesitant to see what was behind I take a deep breath and pull it down. As it falls to the floor it sounds like shattered glass. A Sharp pain in my chest drops me to the floor trying to get up but can’t.
So much pressure on me pushing me down. I hear a whisper “look at me” I look up and see a big mirror I look in it and all I see is a very dark shadow hovering inside. As scary as it seemed I was strangely connected to it.”I am more than what you think of me to be” it whispers to me. I ask “what do you mean””who are you.” “I am all that you are” I look closer and a light so faint began to shine over the shadow. I started to understand what had happened, what the feelings meant. They where Reflections of me of my life so scared to be the real me unsure of myself. Feeling degraded by many people telling me I’m not good enough I’m not worth enough I’m not man enough the more I understand the brighter the light shined. It shined over a me the dark shadow becoming a brighter person.

A person not defined by his genitals, hair,color,height, or sexuality. I see, I can see clearly now its me the new me under a light so bright it lite the hole house. I’m not hiding myself anymore. I am not living a lie, I’m living my life