There is always a reminder in my life of a person I don’t know, let alone even remember.
Holidays, walks in the park, party, and movies. Reminders, all reminders. An empty space left rot, a space that grows deeper by each reminder. A pain that you would think I’d be used to by now, but it only grows stronger. A strangers face lingers in the deepest, darkest corners of my memory
A scary yet familiar face. The image resurfaces every once in a while, in the most horrifying nightmare. That I don’t want to wake from. Along with the image of this face I also see this beautiful person.
Consuming my life, can’t sleep without dreaming that face. Can’t think without seeing that face can’t live my life, because of that constant reminder, of the missing “something” deep inside.
That “something” slowly turned into more, into half of me. The half of myself I couldn’t trust, express, understand, or explore. I couldn’t explore because the shadows overwhelmed me. Pushing me out. The more I try the harder it gets.
Two images is all I have left from this distant and dark memory. One of that face, and the other one that looked perfect. The beautiful boats different shapes and different colors. I would feel serene and peacefull. Like I was there before with the man in the first image. Like we could sit there forever.
Time past, but I couldn’t remember. All my life I had the feeling of loss. That I need something. Forgetting. All that changed when I had passed the same image in my thoughts that I had seen so long ago in my nightmares. It was surreal as all those dark shadows vanished, leaving the empty spaces filled with clarity. Answers that I had searched long before
Who is that man? Why do I feel empty? Where is that magnificent place? What am I forgetting? Who am I really? They all had one answer, Dad. It was a person so close to me half of who “I am” that made me feel this. Made me suffer alone. Leaving me with these unanswered questions.
Searching for answers. Wondering. I walk past this harbor, with a deja-vu feeling. I stoped thinking of so much. So I write this to you now hoping you would see, understand my feelings. Hoping one day you would give me answers, or at least one…..
“why did you leave me when I needed you the most”