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Starting over

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Starting over…. with no fears, with no pain? changing my life to be with you, and now missing everything and every part of what was.

It was only you and I.

Now I have to walk without showing pain or fear, Show the world an illusion.

If only you knew that I still need you. It could have been so easy, but you let it dissolve with your ego and your fears for what could be.

I feel guilty for wanting to forget you, for wanting all those memories to leave my mind, for those feelings to leave my heart. I just want them to leave, the same way you left my life.

in silence I confess, to my sorrow I scream.

It hurts not being with you, not hearing your voice, I drown myself in all the white noise and I can’t help but want what I shouldn’t have.

its hard to learn how to say “I’m sorry’.

pride was what went wrong.

The farther your away, the harder it is to be happy.

Time escapes me, imagining you coming back.

How can I let go. I want to let go and start over.

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Fight, Jump, Breathe.

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Running from my so-called future, is hard and leaves me ashamed of my “sinful” past.

Standing on the edge of the world, the word that brought me nothing but anger,hurt struggle, shame. That same one who is coming for me now, slowly creeping up behind me. Picking up speed as with its hateful words.

I turn to see dark gloomy clouds that look like a wave of knifes coming after me. I turn to see the edge and it was miles away from me. I run. I run as fast as my feet can carry me but not fast enough. the cloud of thoughts and pain get closer stabbing me with their judgments. The whispers cut me enough to bleed.

The clouds get a hold of my life gripping it with its shame.

I fall to the ground, struggling to breath, struggling to get up. I dig my nails into the ground resisting its pull. I slowly lose my breath. slowly giving in to the pain. sinking in to a numb state.

My sight getting darker and darker. Their thoughts convincing me that im everything they say I am… (as they echo around me) “your nothing” “your no one” “you’re a waste”. I sink into the dark clouds, becoming an empty and hollow person. “I’m lost”

“Ahh!” as soon as I said those last words somehow I found myself. A jolt of energy burned though me. it burned though my heart and my veins, seeping into my eyes. “i can see!” I could see all the monsters on me pulling me further in.

I push myself up. I fight them off, but more pill on me. The jolt of energy turns into light that beams though my whole body. Blinding the all.

I run faster than I ever could. Run from the demons who controlled my life. with every step I took made me faster. I stop and i see the edge once again and I see that safe hollow corner where I was in the dark lie but safe. “what do I do?”

I Jumped!…

I don’t know where i will land, but now I feel free and now I can Breathe.

Castle in the sky.

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What could I feel when I’m empty inside?
Nothing, nothing but hollow spaces and empty corners that remind me of what could be.
There is nothing but time here, time to watch you stumble around in circles and fall, slip thru the cracks inside your mind.
Time to pick you up as it gets harder to every time.

Not knowing who you’ll be, knowing you’ll change as you fall from your high.
knowing so much.
I’m under all your pressure, under all your hurt.
Your so high in the sky playing in your dark castle in the clouds, while I’m waiting to catch all of the pieces that you become.

I expected your understanding, but all I could do is try.
Because its too hard to say goodbye.

It’s over before I begin

Walking….. Walking….. Walking…. never getting to where I need to be. Stranded in all the same places. leaving, coming, going what is it, what am I doing?

All I see is this long dark path, long creepy path that reminds me of home. As scary as I might be I feel a comfortable numbness to this place. I need to get out, I need to get away. I can’t get away I shouldn’t this is what I am what I’ll always be nothing more than the end.

Sorry Mommy

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This story came to me at work, out of nowhere I hear a woman
crying. I turn to see who it was, but I was alone. I heard it again, so I listened
to find out what was going on I didn’t understand what the child did and why
the mother was so upset. I was trying to figure out what was going on. It’s funny because it was my story but I had no idea who why when where or what the hell was going on, this story had a mind of its own.  So I will now tell you the story exactly the way it came to me please enjoy.

“Why! Why! Why!” She whispers

The woman crying and crying can’t contain her sorrow

“It’s gonna be okay mommy, don’t cry.”

The woman tries to ignore him as she covers her face with
her fist.

“Mommy are you mad?” he asks very kindly.

“STOP!” she murmurs.

“I’m sorry mommy did I upset you” he asks her.

“Would you just leave me alone” she yells at him while she
puts her headphones on the loudest it can go.

The child hears the song and can’t help but to hum the song “hmmmhmmhmmhmm”
he starts “hmmmhmmmmhmmm.”

“FUCK” the mom whispers.

The child quickly stops and apologizes to her “ I’m sorry I know
you only play that song when your upset but I like it I won’t go it again… never
again, but it’s okay.”

“Do you think I could have had a cowboy party when I turned
five?” he asks her wondering what could have happened.

What do you think my first day of school could have been
like?

Do you think I could have been a football star?

What do you think my first word could have been?

“STOP!!! I didn’t ask for this I didn’t want you, STOP
making me feel bad I don’t want to feel this anymore!” She tells him.

Silence fills them both.

“Mommy this is the last time I will ever bother you it’s
gonna be okay I know it was not your fault, even though we have not really meet
I love you so much……. Goodbye mommy.” He says as he fades into the nothing

That’s when it hits her like a bag of bricks right to the
face she understood what she was doing and didn’t want it. In shock of what she
had realized she froze there still unable to move.

“Ma’am …. Ma’am yes ma’am are you ready?” Its time the doctor
says

NO she stands up and tells the doctor “I’m keeping my baby!“

MOTHER

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You are what you are.

I am who I am.

We’ve been through all the good and ALL the bad. We would sleep in the park in the unknown homes, abandoned streets, under trees. We ate from the garbage cans on the streets asking for money just to survive. I was going through my changes my feeling we’re scary to me but I couldn’t tell you because either you high or you we’re sleeping because you weren’t. because of you I could never get close to anyone because of you I hurt because of you I played it safe so I wouldn’t get hurt.

I blamed you for all my failures for all my flaws for all my pain,

but now I realized you tried your best and that’s all I could ask for.

I love you mom you may be a crazy psycho mother but your my crazy psycho mother.

I’m glad you are not the same person and that everything changed.

Don’t Wait

Please say you love me, Tom asked Emily.

AHHHHHH! Emily Screamed, Saying “I love you” losing herself in the beaming light. remembering the last few hours she had spent with Tom.

__.__

Mom… Mom… Moooooom,

What is it Emily.

“have you seen my black boots”. Emily asked

“What those old things, I told you I was going to give them to Goodwill” she answered. 

 WHAAAT! why would you do that mom, you know tom gave them to me for our anniversary now I have nothing to wear tonight, she yelled.

TONIGHT?  her mother confused to why she would say tonight asks, “what are you doing tonight?”

Emily answers in that braty teen kinda way, “with Tom Hello”

The mother yelled in disagreement “You are not going near that boy he is no good for you he treats you bad, he doesn’t care about you and he doesn’t love you.”

“he does love me as much as I love him, and he does show that he loves me he gave me those boots out of love and you go and throw them away at a stupid thrift store, Emily argued.”

she runs upstairs to get ready to leave, she closes her bedroom door and steps in front of her closet when she hears the door lock. her mother is on the other side of the door, waiting to hear what Emily says

Emily notices that the door was locked from the outside.” AHHHHHH! let me out mother I’m no animal you can’t leave me in here” she screams “I HATE YOU.”

Not knowing her mother was dying from the pain those three words had caused her. an hour passed and her mother was calm and divides to let her out and make some dinner. she walks to her room and asked her to come out, but there was no answer. she knocks again…. again…. and again so she opens the door to an empty room with the big window wide open……

___.___

A young man drives in with a big black motorcycle and as soon as he stops, Emily just umped out of nowhere and on to his bike. Tom was confused about what was happening. 

Emily yells “GOGOGO!”

 “Whats going on Emily” he asked

“I’ll explain later I promise now go!!!” she answered

“Okay let’s go” Tom said

as they leave the drive way Tom hears a scream

“Was that you mom Emily” tom asked

“NO IT WAS THE NEIGHBOR WILL YOU JUST DROP IT ALREADY” she screamed

they got to the top of a huge mountain, they stayed there for hours. she tried to prove her mother wrong by getting him to show his feelings but he did nothing, nothing at all to prove his love to her.

“let’s go” tom said

“WHAT” Emily questioned, mad at the fact of her mother being right

“Its tim to go” Tom replied.

they make their way to the motorcycle, and tom tryed to hold Emily’s hand and she pulls away. they get on the bike and take off. Emily forgot her helmet but her pride wouldn’t let her talk to him. Tom made his way down the huge mountain. with a great speed>

“Are you mad?” tom asked as the bike goes faster.

she didn’t answer .

“Are you mad?” he asked again as the bike kept going faster.

“You are going to fast slow down” she says.

 ” What you scared?” he asked.

she says “yes im very scared please slow down” .

he says “Ok only if you say you love me”.

I love you, I love you but please slow down” she says.

“Absolutely if you give me a hug so hard like you’ve never done before” he tells her.

she gave him the hug and told him once again “PLEASE slow down NOW!”

“Yes baby, but only if you take my helmet of my head and put it on yours” he says.

She takes the helmet of and puts it on her self and tells him again “SLOW DOWN”

___.___

The next morning on the news there was an article, that on that same road there was an accident in which a young man and a young woman were traveling by motorcycle. one of them died…

SEE he had already known that he had no breaks long before she had asked him to stop. he asked her to tell him she loved him and to hug him because he know that was the last time he would be with her. He asked her to put the helmet on to save her life even at the cost of his own.

He showed his love at the last moment

Dont wait untill the day comes when the people you love are gone to show your love … or to say  I LOVE YOU

 

 

Where did this go wrong?

what would go wrong

what could it be

I love you.

A love that won’t dissipate. You are my complete world. When I meet you I felt it, I felt everything. Happiness for finding you, joy for all of you, hurt to think I’ll never see you again, scared to have meet someone who could change my everything It’s frightening and exhilarating to find the person you want to live and die for.

I love you.

I love all of you, all I think drink breath dream is you. you made me nothing without you and everything with you. It’s everything all at once. The wait to hear your voice again is unbearable; the wait to see your face is an eternity.

I love you

You hit me once, twice. Sorry once, twice. The pain is different, not like before. The pain of your abuse is unbearable, I think of the happy times you gave me, and then it turns into pain. You would hurt me and then take it back. You changed.

I love you

Why did you change, you changed after changing my life. You mad me the happiest person in the whole world, then the most miserable. I will never the same.

I love you

All goes wrong. I’m trying to make it work. I’m trying not to fight believe that you’ll change. But it all seems to be the same. I try to leave, but can’t stand the pain. What do I do if I still love you?

GOODBYE

Ashes Burned

buning ash

burning completely

Life is an unexpected thing; your complete world could change in a matter of seconds. As we all nothing is ever perfect or would we want it to be, and even though it’s not it could all go worse. The thing is to learn from what happens to you and know it could go worse.

Now the real test is getting up after you’ve been knocked down

It’s very easy to really see what your actions have caused, when you had time analyze the situation, to breathe, to see your own mistakes. The bad thing is that when you stop it’s too late. Too late because the heat burned and turn turned you into flames. That fueled your anger consumed your hole self. Words burning as they leave your tongue hurting the people you love.

So what do we do after the fire burned, and turned it to ash? Do we let the ashes blow with the wind or do we let the heat consume us.

When it rains

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In the middle of nowhere stuck under this dry tree. Looking out to the far endless land of dirt.

I stand here alone, not knowing how I got here. To this hot and dry place.

The heat is overwhelming. I lay on the sizzling floor, pulling my knees closer to my stomach. When I hear a “beep”

I just heard it once. That’s when I got up and looked for whatever was making the sound. A breeze of hot air hit my skin like burning razors. Cutting through my skin. Making my blood boil.

Suddenly ther was a dark shadow over my head. I didn’t want to look, but did it anyway. It  was a huge dark cloud. A cool gust of wind hit my face. It hit me by surprise. With my eyes closed I felt every breeze caressing my body, like I’ve been waiting for this, my hole life.

The smell of the wet dirt filled my mouth with that wonderful taste. My bare feet On the damp dirt. Soon the emptiness was full, full of rain. It was now an endless ocean. I closed my eyes as the water passed my knees, feeling so peacefull.

I face up to see the cloud. Before I could open my eyes, a huge drop of water fell on my face.

That’s when I woke up

I woke up to a bed full of water

I had forgotten to turn the stove off, and the water sprinklers filled my house of water.

So now I know when you forget to turn off your stove

“It pours”